Eastern Carolina Style

What have the Wachowski’s been up to lately, you ask?  Well, apparently it involves a crapload of mescaline.    According to IMDb, Jupiter Ascending involves “a young destitute human woman…targeted for assassination by the Queen of the Universe.”  Funny they should put it that way, because I happen to be the Queen of the Universe and I certainly wouldn’t  target a homeless person for assassination, I would just TCB all by myself.  

You wouldn’t be able to tell from the poster, but it stars Mila Kunis, apparently aging in reverse ala Benjamin Button, though that might be the result of excessive photoshopping.  Hey!  I wonder if her costume will involve tight black pleather like in Max Payne?

We open with a panoramic shot of a brightly lit city.  Then, Sean Bean is talking to some other guy who is looking for Mila Kunis, and then Mila Kunis is in a hosptial ward and some guys are trying to kill her.

Dear trailer: make more sense.

The trailer ignores me, and makes even less sense.  Because Channing Tatum appears, with the scruffiest facial hair and stupidest expression this side of an Amsterdam coffee house (the kind where they don’t serve coffee).  Also, he is wearing a ton of eyeliner and now I just want to punch him in the face.  To be fair, that is my default reaction to Channing Tatum.

Anyway, why does Mila Kunis need him to save her?  Can’t she save herself?  She’s an independent woman!  Oh dear, I begin to fear that they are  the movie’s supercouple.   Let’s all join hands and concentrate on making that not happen.   While we’re at it, let’s concentrate on pretending that Tatum isn’t speaking in that stupid, affected, voice.  Although, it might not actually be him talking.  I heard they had to put peanut butter under his lip to make him move his mouth while someone else read his lines.  Because he is dumb, is what I am getting at.

Ok, Space, Planets, more Sean Bean, more eyeliner, pretty dresses, music I don’t like..  Naked ladies, cyborgs of some kind, spaceship transformers, falling off tall buildings, lots and lots of guns…the Wachowski’s may be overselling here.  It might be to make up for the fact that around the 90 second mark Tatum swallows the face of Kunis.  Seriously, watch it.  It’s like he is one of those boa constrictors that can unhinge his jaw to swallow a small child.  I bet he tastes like oiled up stripper and Aspercreme, too.  I hope she got paid extra!

Well, it looks like spoiled milk, but I’ll check out a science fiction movie for giggles.  Maybe I’ll even decide to like that parts of the movie that do not involve Channing Tatum.