Posts Tagged ‘Whipkitty Reviews Movie Trailers’

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Comic book fans across the land rejoice, for Guardians of the Galaxy is about to premiere. The trailer begins with a spaceship swooping dramatically towards some interstellar phenomenon. Cut to a tape deck, playing Awesome Mix Vol. 7. Sadly, the sweet melody of “Hooked on a Feeling” does not pour out of the sound system in this version of the trailer. Instead, cut to the green assassin chick played by Zoe Saldana kicking somebody while Chris Pratt, who the entire internet already knows is playing Starlord because of the millions other versions of the trailer, narrating something or other. Blah blah, anti-hero, bah blah Chris Pratt is somehow incredibly likeable, blah blah Groot, Rocket, Gamora, Drax, blah blah.

Turns out that random rock music that is not “Hooked on a Feeling” is a Joan Jett and the Blackhearts song. I declare this acceptable but not as fun as “Hooked on a Feeling “(or “Spirit in the Sky,” which also appears in a few of the million trailers circulating for this film).

Hey, how many of the executives in charge of this picture would you assume are currently doped to the gills on anti-anxiety and anti-ulcer medicine? I mean, if this movie is X-Men: Last Stand levels of bad then fanboys and fangirls across the land will burn them to the ground, not to mention the assassins that Hollywood studio’s keep on retainer for such occasions. As much as Hollywood needs a major summer blockbuster and my tribe needs a Marvel movie that doesn’t disappoint, this film has been teased and hyped so much that it is almost guaranteed to be a total letdown. Gosh I hope it doesn’t suck.

More guns, more spaceships, more space, more fighting. Dialogue! Chris Pratt sounds very earnest. Can we revisit the shot that’s been in every other trailer but this one where his shirt is half-off? That was a nice shot.

Shot of Rocket the raccoon, who sounds like the distillation of every angry man-boy Bradley Cooper has ever played, but I like talking raccoons so I am withholding judgment.

Switch to some leading man/leading lady gender stereotyped compulsory heterosexuality. Gosh, that green lady is versatile. So far she has stood still looking sexy, she has done a sexy spin kick of some kind, she has stood looking up to Chris Pratt while gazing compassionately at his Look of Making A Difficult Decision, and she has stood behind Chris Pratt while he said Important Motivational Stuff. Also, she gets to co-pilot. Gloria Steinem must be excited!

Chris Pratt is likeable some more, Rocket mocks Starlord’s inability plan, green chick perches supportively near Chris Pratt while Rocket laughs at him. Amusing banter ensues, Groot nibbles on himself. Green chick gets dialogue! She says “eugh” and turns away in disgust.

Ok James Gunn. You did The Specials and the Dawn of the Dead remake and I love you for that. Don’t fuck this up.

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A Brett Ratner film. Are there any more hateful words in the English language? Can’t think of any, myself, except maybe X-Men: The Last Stand, a Brett Ratner film.

So, Brett Ratner did a Hercules movie with Dwayne Johnson. I suppose the artist formerly known as The Rock doesn’t entirely suck. He was in Southland Tales, after all. Can he play Hercules? Well, he’s no Steve Reeves but he sort of looks alright all oiled up and draped in leather, if you squint.

Apparently, in this version of the Hercules legend there are lots of dead bodies and sandals. Also, Ian McShane is talking while The Rock wanders through various topographical features, including snow, forests, swamps, caves, and mountains. Cerberus is there, then blood pours from a cup, then children cry. Maybe Hercules took their candy, because if I remember my Greek legends properly he was kind of a dick to women and children.

The narrator changes from Ian McShane to some chick while we get quick cuts to Hercules doing more stuff. In this movie, stuff is done and make no mistake. He lusts after some girly wearing too much make-up but with very pretty hair, he rides on a chariot while his adoring fans chant his name, he fights a great big lion armed only with a wooden bow and two guns (meaning his arms).

Then he proclaims that he only wants to be a husband and father while Joseph Fiennes (?) nods his head in such a way that you just know his character can’t be trusted. Semi-naked lady, same lady getting kidnapped and or eaten by Cerberus. Yes, mix up the sex and the violence. Give the people what they want Brett Ratner!
Mood change—now there are snakes and the third narrator of the trailer is blaming the Gods for the death of Hercules’ family. And that’s not all. The Gods are super pissed (again, if I remember my Greek legends that was a pretty much a constant) and decide to unleash Hell on Earth. Now John Hurt is talking about the descendants of Hades, and they look pretty cool as they emerge from the ground.

Weirdly, now a Queen of the Stone Age start playing over a battle scene. Shot stolen from Ridley Scott, Ian McShane again, Hercules punching evil in the face. Random stupid CGI creatures more or less from 47 Ronin, Hercules swings a huge penis metaphor, line more or less stolen from Braveheart. Fires! Hot chick doing battle gymnastics! Some light BDSM play with a whip, Ian McShane is pissed off and Dwayne Johnson screams I! Am! HERCULES! Any now I can’t stop picturing him screaming that at whatever person he’s managed to coax into bed after a hard night of clubbing.

I hope I don’t get stuck watching this. I really, really hope.

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The Sex Tape trailer opens with the Up Tempo Music of Wacky Hijinks About To Ensue. A, ahem, “young” married couple walk through falling leaves on a beautiful autumn day in magic land. Then Cameron Diaz is dressed trampy and on roller skates as she clasps Jason Segel’s neck and suggestively murmurs that they should make a sex tape. Surprise, he’s into it. Am I alone in wishing the scene involved Jason Segel dressed in a comically small speedo while wearing roller skates and trying to seduce Cameron Diaz? No, that reversal of the sex roles doesn’t do it for anyone else? Hm. What if I suggest that Cameron Diaz is probably just as busy and exhausted as Jason Segel and it’s unfair to place the burden of keeping a marriage sexy on women?
Speaking of—scene after scene. Cameron tossing her toss-able hair around seductively. Jason holding a water pistol while fully dressed. Cameron holding a child while shooting fuck me eyes at someone off-scene. Jason fully dressed for a professional environment while holding his cell phone because women need to be sexy and men need to have fun and women need babies and men need to work.
Hey, they finally mentioned the sex tape! Somebody texted Jason that they enjoyed his video! Quick pan in while the music of I Just Screwed Up In A Big Way sends us to the next clip. Apparently, the sex tape they made has been seen by everyone. Oh well, too late to fix it without roofie-ing everyone you know and all the people who use the Internet. Except apparently the whole plot of this movie is them trying to dump the sex tape in Mount Doom or something…like once they get it sort of contained all their friends and family will politely forget it and never forward it or download it or upload it to an amateur porn site ever. Well, that’s stupid.
And now they’re talking about The Cloud and how nobody knows what it is. Well, that may be true. I’m still not laughing. Next scene, Jason Segel is looking sort of rough and watching his sex tape that he has not yet seen and becoming alarmed.
Then Rob Lowe is there and a German Shepard is chasing Jason. Insert funny joke about Siri hearing every question you ask wrong and Jason getting mauled by the dog. Remember when Cameron Diaz did physical comedy? Don’t expect to see a whole lot of that here. More sexy Cameron, some people from The Office, more sexy Cameron, fire, a scene that probably involves Jason showing his wang, falling from the roof, Cameron falling off the bed (hey! Looks like I was wrong about the lack of physical comedy for the female lead!). Jason falling again, so I guess we have collectively decided that is one of the funniest things he does in a movie. This one’s a tough call. I like Jake Kasdan and Jason Segel, but this really doesn’t seem amazing.

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While I have come to realize that Charlton Heston and I are pretty far apart on the political spectrum I still love the first two Planet of the Apes movies. The franchise took a sharp nose dive after that, so the modern reboot was a great chance to reintroduce the idea with post-millennium special effects. Also, I love it when the world ends and the existing “social contract” gets thrown out the window.
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes looks like the sequel I was waiting for, and the wide shots of an abandoned city crawling with damn dirty apes is making my brain pulsate. Looks like the apes have learned to sneer effectively while riding horses! Cut to the remnants of humanity, led by Gary Oldman and some other dude who is not Gary Oldman. You know who I like less now? Gary Oldman, who clearly needs to work some stuff out (or at least needs a handler to remind him that defending anti-Semitic remarks never has positive consequences.
So, Caesar explains that apes do not want war in a funny croaky voice while Gary Oldman looks on like a slack-jawed yokel. Cut to shots of apes doing cool things like wrestling bears while people discuss the basic shortcomings of humanity and the superior adaptability of the ape. Hey! Now there’s a cute baby ape! What a shame I do not see that baby ape living through the end of the movie. There’s an outside chance it will just be kidnapped and used a pawn in the inevitable clash of species that will appear in the climax of the film, but I’m betting that is one dead ape baby.
Keri Russell is in this? She has been kicking ass and taking names over on The Americans; why did it take so long for her to show up in the promo? Stupid sexist Hollywood. I guess she’s married to the guy who is not Gary Oldman. Since Gary Oldman is yelling some very species-ist things I guess that guy who is not Gary Oldman is our human hero.
At the one minute 26 second mark the awesome things happens. A militant ape comes upon to human sentries who do not take it seriously. The ape clowns for them, they lower their guard, and then a slaughter ensues. A hilarious slaughter. Stupid humans.
More apes doing cool stuff, somebody gave Gary Oldman an automatic weapon, people running, the Navy gets involved, Gary Oldman yelling some more. Fire, hugging, interspecies bromance, more guns. This. Looks. AMAZING.

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Dear whoever made Earth to Echo…Awesome ET rip-off!  It’s like the studio threw found footage, cute kids, robots, Super 8 and The Iron Giant into a blender and this emotionally void slop is what got spewed out.  In case you were wondering, I take schmaltzy, poorly done science fiction as a personal insult.  We ‘re talking, My Name is Inigo Montoya, You Killed My Father, Prepare to Die levels of personal insult.

The trailer opens with the Sweet Music of Whimsy and a voiceover.  Cut back and forth (may your intestines rot while still in your body, person who thought shaky cam was good idea) between various Lil’ Rascal-inspired kids showing off their phones.  Which, by the way, are much nicer than I can afford and should not be given to children, ever.

Then the unsupervised and dangerously neglected gang of future delinquents rides their bikes into the desert while more whimsical music plays.  Then they are poking at what appears to be a dusty bit of something or other, but is actually a robot alien of some kind.  Then, the children shriek in fear and probably wet their pants.  Just kidding.  But you know that would be the way more realistic reaction.

Ok, cute kid asking where the alien robot comes from, which is weird, because other than I come from space you dumb kids, what more specific answer will have meaning for them?  Are these kids astronomers?  Do they know advanced math?  Then having the alien robot show them a star chart is sort of pointless, isn’t it?  Why would the alien robot hang out with these kids anyway?  Is it an early version of WALL-E?  I read on the internet that the reason WALL-E was abandoned on the planet was that the robot model flipped out soon after its creation and “cleaned” the planet of humanity.  Please, please, alien robot—cleanse the Earth in radioactive fire starting with the precocious children that surround you!

Then one of the children says “those dudes.” And I really have to wonder if anybody under the age of 25 uses that word anymore.  Children running, blonde girl not having anything to do but conform to adolescent gender norms locating her as appropriately female while still able to serve as the token girl in the gang of boys, metal floating.  Truck Disassembly!  Truck Reassembly!  Boy bragging about he and his gang of outsiders did something, possibly, but not necessarily, relating to the truck disassembly-reassembly.

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How many people do you think MIchael Bay has killed?  I’m not including the number of people he killed with bad movies, or the people who dropped dead from Transformers: Dark of the Moon related rage embolisms, or even the few hundred or so who saw the original Transformers movie and lost the will to live after seeing Optimus Prime share a screen with Shia LaBeouf.  I mean that I really believe Michael Bay has his people find him the most dangerous game (like in that movie Surviving the Game starring Ice-T) and then lets them run naked through a labyrinth while popping away at them with a rocket launcher.

When he’s not doing that, he’s making terrible movies and rolling around in the big pile of money they earn for him.  For example, Transformers: Age of Extinction.  At least Shia LaBeouf doesn’t appear in this one.  Instead, Marky Mark is the star, presumably because Director Bay remembers how he good he sang “You’ve Got the Touch” the theme song from The Transformers: The Movie (1986) that one time.

The trailer opens with the ominous music that typically highlights something bad about to happen.  A scientist tells us about science in a British accent, so you know he’s smart and knows science stuff.  A Decepticon (?) is tied to a medical bed, and then Stanley Tucci is there radiating smarminess.

Shift to a junked up truck being towed to the Midwest.  Farmer Marky Mark and his daughter (the hot farmer’s daughter archetype replacing the hot gearhead with Daddy issues archetype from the first two films) have a sophisticated array of stuff designed to repair junked up trucks, for some reason?  Maybe he’s a disgraced scientist of some kind?  Anyway, I though the Midwest was constantly being flooded or tornado-ed, so I hope he has good insurance for all the equipment.

So, obviously the junked up truck is Optimus Prime.  Make up your own story for how he ended up in the hands of Marky Mark, because explaining that will probably not be a huge priority in the movie.  They are going to spend more time on the shady government types in the caravan of black cars being mean to Marky Mark and the hot farmer’s daughter.

Then things explode!  Because, of  course they do, because it’s a Michael Bay film.  The explosion kicks us to an Optimus Prime voiceover, and he sounds serious.  Apparently, humans like Stanley Tucci are hunting the Transformers, but something worse than Transformers are coming to hunt the humans AND the Transformers.  I wonder if they will come together and learn to work as a team to fend off a world-threatening alien species?  Hm.  That one Transformer has a gun for a head.  If I were a Transformer I wouldn’t waste my time turning my head into a gun just to look cool.  I would turn my head into a flamethrower and roast the planet, thus rendering it human free.

Anyway, alien ships that closely resemble super-sized snail shells are attacking the planet.  Only one thing left to do!  Bust out some Dinobots.  Wait, what?  Yes, you read that right.  The Dinobots, the spoiled bratty children/pets made by Transformers finally appear, presumably to fight against the super-sized snail ships.

Bumblebee is back and there is also some weird looking Transformers with a manly beard made of thick beaded cables.  More explosions, Marky Mark somehow maintaining a straight face while talking life and death with a giant children’s toy, transformer sound effect.  More explosions, hot farmer’s daughter, Marky Mark gets a gun, a Transformer who could find work as an obesity poster child, and OH MY LORD THAT DINOBOT IS BREATHING FIRE.

Then, Optimus Prime rides the fire-breathing Dinobot through cite streets while carrying what appears to be a red-hot glowing claymore.  Well, there’s something you don’t see everyday.  it might be worth my while to peek into the theater just for that scene alone.

 

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Oh Boy!  Jonah Hill (who has lost all credibility) and Channing Tatum (who never had any credibility to begin with) are starring in a sequel to a movie I really didn’t like based on a show I never watched!  Based on the trailer, apparently their bro-mance from 21 Jump Street has progressed to couples counseling.

Ice Cube returns and he calls Hill and Tatum “dumb cops.”  He is not wrong.  Then, for some reason, there is an immediate fadecut to Hill and Tatum firing their pistols into the air while grabbing their other pistols.  So I’ll leave it to your imagination to decide which pistol is the latter.  Incidentally, after only 30 seconds I am convinced that actually sitting through this scurf on the head of the film industry will cause my ovaries to jump from my body and run away screaming.

Anyway, the boys are going undercover at a local Ivy League college to search out a new drug.  Hmm.  Given what I know about the average police department budget, I’m going to call shenanigans–there is no way in hell that a police department could afford to outfit two idiots with college gear.  I mean, I’ve been to college and the campus most people can afford looks nothing like that campus always shown in college movies.  In real life the other students are sleep-deprived and caffeine-shocked, and live in shoeboxes, not the spacious palaces typically depicted in film.

Anyway, after setting up any high school senior who sees the movie for a very disappointing first year in college, the action shifts to Spring Break.  That hip music the young people like plays over shots of bikini-clad nymphets jumping and drinking.  Wow.  A male-oriented film that glorifies violence, promotes racial stereotypes for the purpose of cheap giggles, mocks the emotions of the male characters, and objectifies young attractive women.  Way to go out on a limb, Hollywood!

Then Hill and that blonde woman from Workaholics fight each other, but it’s okay to hit her because she’s saying hit me and then she hit Jonah, so he has to hit her because otherwise he would need to calmly walk away instead of punching her in the face and then she’s going to kiss him, which is why he gets flustered and hits her…wait, why is it okay that Jonah Hill is hitting the blonde chick?  Seriously not cool, movie.

End the trailer with a penis joke, although, in many ways, the trailer has already been one, long, penis joke.  See what I did there?  I ended my review on a penis joke, too.