Eastern Carolina Style

The Sex Tape trailer opens with the Up Tempo Music of Wacky Hijinks About To Ensue. A, ahem, “young” married couple walk through falling leaves on a beautiful autumn day in magic land. Then Cameron Diaz is dressed trampy and on roller skates as she clasps Jason Segel’s neck and suggestively murmurs that they should make a sex tape. Surprise, he’s into it. Am I alone in wishing the scene involved Jason Segel dressed in a comically small speedo while wearing roller skates and trying to seduce Cameron Diaz? No, that reversal of the sex roles doesn’t do it for anyone else? Hm. What if I suggest that Cameron Diaz is probably just as busy and exhausted as Jason Segel and it’s unfair to place the burden of keeping a marriage sexy on women?
Speaking of—scene after scene. Cameron tossing her toss-able hair around seductively. Jason holding a water pistol while fully dressed. Cameron holding a child while shooting fuck me eyes at someone off-scene. Jason fully dressed for a professional environment while holding his cell phone because women need to be sexy and men need to have fun and women need babies and men need to work.
Hey, they finally mentioned the sex tape! Somebody texted Jason that they enjoyed his video! Quick pan in while the music of I Just Screwed Up In A Big Way sends us to the next clip. Apparently, the sex tape they made has been seen by everyone. Oh well, too late to fix it without roofie-ing everyone you know and all the people who use the Internet. Except apparently the whole plot of this movie is them trying to dump the sex tape in Mount Doom or something…like once they get it sort of contained all their friends and family will politely forget it and never forward it or download it or upload it to an amateur porn site ever. Well, that’s stupid.
And now they’re talking about The Cloud and how nobody knows what it is. Well, that may be true. I’m still not laughing. Next scene, Jason Segel is looking sort of rough and watching his sex tape that he has not yet seen and becoming alarmed.
Then Rob Lowe is there and a German Shepard is chasing Jason. Insert funny joke about Siri hearing every question you ask wrong and Jason getting mauled by the dog. Remember when Cameron Diaz did physical comedy? Don’t expect to see a whole lot of that here. More sexy Cameron, some people from The Office, more sexy Cameron, fire, a scene that probably involves Jason showing his wang, falling from the roof, Cameron falling off the bed (hey! Looks like I was wrong about the lack of physical comedy for the female lead!). Jason falling again, so I guess we have collectively decided that is one of the funniest things he does in a movie. This one’s a tough call. I like Jake Kasdan and Jason Segel, but this really doesn’t seem amazing.