Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category


The Sex Tape trailer opens with the Up Tempo Music of Wacky Hijinks About To Ensue. A, ahem, “young” married couple walk through falling leaves on a beautiful autumn day in magic land. Then Cameron Diaz is dressed trampy and on roller skates as she clasps Jason Segel’s neck and suggestively murmurs that they should make a sex tape. Surprise, he’s into it. Am I alone in wishing the scene involved Jason Segel dressed in a comically small speedo while wearing roller skates and trying to seduce Cameron Diaz? No, that reversal of the sex roles doesn’t do it for anyone else? Hm. What if I suggest that Cameron Diaz is probably just as busy and exhausted as Jason Segel and it’s unfair to place the burden of keeping a marriage sexy on women?
Speaking of—scene after scene. Cameron tossing her toss-able hair around seductively. Jason holding a water pistol while fully dressed. Cameron holding a child while shooting fuck me eyes at someone off-scene. Jason fully dressed for a professional environment while holding his cell phone because women need to be sexy and men need to have fun and women need babies and men need to work.
Hey, they finally mentioned the sex tape! Somebody texted Jason that they enjoyed his video! Quick pan in while the music of I Just Screwed Up In A Big Way sends us to the next clip. Apparently, the sex tape they made has been seen by everyone. Oh well, too late to fix it without roofie-ing everyone you know and all the people who use the Internet. Except apparently the whole plot of this movie is them trying to dump the sex tape in Mount Doom or something…like once they get it sort of contained all their friends and family will politely forget it and never forward it or download it or upload it to an amateur porn site ever. Well, that’s stupid.
And now they’re talking about The Cloud and how nobody knows what it is. Well, that may be true. I’m still not laughing. Next scene, Jason Segel is looking sort of rough and watching his sex tape that he has not yet seen and becoming alarmed.
Then Rob Lowe is there and a German Shepard is chasing Jason. Insert funny joke about Siri hearing every question you ask wrong and Jason getting mauled by the dog. Remember when Cameron Diaz did physical comedy? Don’t expect to see a whole lot of that here. More sexy Cameron, some people from The Office, more sexy Cameron, fire, a scene that probably involves Jason showing his wang, falling from the roof, Cameron falling off the bed (hey! Looks like I was wrong about the lack of physical comedy for the female lead!). Jason falling again, so I guess we have collectively decided that is one of the funniest things he does in a movie. This one’s a tough call. I like Jake Kasdan and Jason Segel, but this really doesn’t seem amazing.


Did NC State Really Steal from ECU?

Posted: November 2, 2013 by MichaelSmithNC in All, Humor, Sports
Tags: , , , ,


From The News and Observer

By Luke DeCock —

For Saturday’s homecoming game against UNC-Chapel Hill, N.C. State will debut a new midfield logo with Wolfpack imagery inside the outline of the state of North Carolina at Carter-Finley Stadium.

If that sounds vaguely familiar, it’s because East Carolina debuted an unavoidably similar midfield logo with a Pirate head in 2009 and has used it the past four seasons. Over that time, it has become one of the signature elements of Dowdy-Ficklen Stadium, instantly recognizable on television broadcasts.

“The people making the decision have seen East Carolina’s, yes,” N.C. State athletic department spokewoman Annabelle Myers said. “That concept was not new to N.C. State. It’s just not been done in the middle of the field.”

N.C. State has used variations of the wolf-inside-the-state logo before on bumper stickers and billboards and in publications.

It’s certainly standard practice to borrow promotional concepts from schools elsewhere – such as Mississippi State’s “Our State” campaign or the LSU football intro video, which is how PNC Arena ended up “rising defiantly from the Triangle.”

While the logo was specifically installed for homecoming, there is no timetable for its removal. The Pirates visit Carter-Finley on Nov. 23.

“Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery,” East Carolina spokesman Tom McClellan said.

DeCock:, @LukeDeCock, 919-829-8947

Funny of the day…Hilarious Accident Report via Voicemail

Posted: October 28, 2013 by MichaelSmithNC in All, Humor

Movie Quotes to Make You Smile…

Posted: October 8, 2013 by MichaelSmithNC in All, Humor
Tags: ,


“There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your
flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?”

Julie Hagerty playing  Elaine Dickinson in Airplane


Movie Quotes to Make You Smile…

Posted: October 7, 2013 by MichaelSmithNC in All, Humor
Tags: , ,


“You know you’ve reached rock bottom when you’re told you have character flaws by a man who hanged his predecessor in a military coup.”

Tom Hanks as Charlie Wilson in Charlie Wilson’s War

DENVER, Colo. (Sept. 25, 2013) – Wonder bread will be the primary sponsor of Kurt Busch’s No. 78 Furniture Row Racing Chevrolet during the Oct. 18-20 NASCAR Sprint Cup Series weekend at Talladega (Ala.) Superspeedway.
Inspired by the motion picture Talladega Nights, the colorful paint scheme on Busch’s Chevrolet will have a look similar to the No. 26 Wonder Bread race car in the 2006 movie.The motorsports sponsorship is part of the reintroduction of the Wonder brand, which had been off the market since the bankruptcy of its former owner late last year. Flowers Foods, a leading producer and marketer of packaged bakery foods in the U.S. acquired the Wonder brand in July 2013.

“There is nothing more American than Wonder bread and NASCAR,” said Keith Aldredge, Flowers Foods’ vice president of marketing. “We’re thrilled to be partnering with Kurt Busch and the Furniture Row Racing team to debut theWonder car at the Talladega Superspeedway. Having such an incredible driver wear the bright colors of Wonder will make for a truly memorable all-American race experience.”

Busch, the 2004 NASCAR champion, is currently one of the Chase playoff drivers vying for the 2013 Sprint Cup championship. The Talladega race will be the sixth of the 10-race Chase schedule.

“This motorsports partnership definitely carries a special feeling with two American icons coming together – Wonder bread and NASCAR – at one of America’s legendary racetracks,” said Busch. “And the sponsorship also has a nostalgic feel for me since Wonder bread was a household staple while growing up in Las Vegas.”

Busch added, “Talladega is a track that we can win at and a celebration with the Wonder car in Victory Lane will make this partnership even more special.”

Kurt Bush  at Talladega on May 12, 2012



One of the funniest stories I have ever read.

Posted: September 18, 2013 by MichaelSmithNC in All, Humor
Tags: ,

On a Wing and a Prayer

Click here for more on this story

Posted: Tuesday September 14, 1999 06:12 PM

View the Rick Reilly Insider Archive

Sports Illustrated

Now this message for America’s most famous athletes: Someday you may be invited to fly in the backseat of one of your country’s most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have — John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity….

Move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own death. Whatever you do, do not go. I know. The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast!

I should’ve known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach. Whatever you’re thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He’s about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake — the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. (“T-minus 15 seconds and counting….” Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, “We have a liftoff.”

Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.

“Bananas,” he said.

“For the potassium?” I asked.

“No,” Biff said, “because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down.”

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign — like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot — but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, that was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would “egress” me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.

Jason Dooley/U.S. Navy

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14. Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80.

It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, sap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us. We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G’s, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two. Biff said I passed out. Twice.

I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G’s were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.

I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and Freon nerves. I wouldn’t go up there again for Derek Jeter’s black book, but I’m glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he’d send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked.

“Two Bags.”

Don’t you dare tell Nicole.

Issue date: September 20, 1999

Famous Footballisms

Posted: September 15, 2013 by MichaelSmithNC in All, Humor, Sports

Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy……..than to fumble THIS football”
John Heisman

“Show me a good and gracious loser…….and I’ll show you a failure.”
Knute Rockne

“I make my practices real hard ……..because if a player is a quitter…..I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.”
Bear Bryant

“It isn’t necessary to see a good tackle…..You can hear it!
Knute Rockne

“At Georgia Southern, we don’t cheat…….That costs money and we don’t have any.”
Erk Russell

“After you retire, there’s only one big event left….and I ain’t ready for that.”
Bobby Bowden

“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.”
Lou Holtz

“When you win, nothing hurts.”
Joe Namath

“Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated.”
Lou Holtz

“If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold…….you gotta know the password, “Roll, tide, roll!”
Bear Bryant

“A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.”
Frank Leahy

“There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.”
Woody Hayes

“I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.”
Bob Devaney

“In Alabama, an atheist is………someone who doesn’t believe in Bear Bryant.”
Wally Butts

“I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms – Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.”
Alex Karras

“My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.”
Bowden Wyatt

“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar…….except for my grades.”
Duffy Daugherty

“Always remember …..Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.”
Shug Jordan

“They cut us up like boarding house pie…….And that’s real small pieces.”
Darrell Royal

“They whipped us like a tied up goat.”
Spike Dykes

“I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me and he said: “Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren’t any good.”
Walt Garrison

“Son, you’ve got a good engine, but your hands aren’t on the steering wheel.”
Bobby Bowden

“Football is NOT a contact sport – it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport.”
Duffy Daugherty

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post game message to his team: “All those who need showers… take them.”
John McKay

“If lessons are learned in defeat………….our team is getting a great education.”
Murray Warmath

“The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.”
Knute Rockne

“Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon.”
Spike Dykes

“We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.”
Darrell Royal

“We didn’t tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking.”
John McKay

“Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad.”
Darrell Royal

“I’ve found that prayers work best ……..when you have big players.”
Knute Rockne