Eastern Carolina Style

Comic book fans across the land rejoice, for Guardians of the Galaxy is about to premiere. The trailer begins with a spaceship swooping dramatically towards some interstellar phenomenon. Cut to a tape deck, playing Awesome Mix Vol. 7. Sadly, the sweet melody of “Hooked on a Feeling” does not pour out of the sound system in this version of the trailer. Instead, cut to the green assassin chick played by Zoe Saldana kicking somebody while Chris Pratt, who the entire internet already knows is playing Starlord because of the millions other versions of the trailer, narrating something or other. Blah blah, anti-hero, bah blah Chris Pratt is somehow incredibly likeable, blah blah Groot, Rocket, Gamora, Drax, blah blah.

Turns out that random rock music that is not “Hooked on a Feeling” is a Joan Jett and the Blackhearts song. I declare this acceptable but not as fun as “Hooked on a Feeling “(or “Spirit in the Sky,” which also appears in a few of the million trailers circulating for this film).

Hey, how many of the executives in charge of this picture would you assume are currently doped to the gills on anti-anxiety and anti-ulcer medicine? I mean, if this movie is X-Men: Last Stand levels of bad then fanboys and fangirls across the land will burn them to the ground, not to mention the assassins that Hollywood studio’s keep on retainer for such occasions. As much as Hollywood needs a major summer blockbuster and my tribe needs a Marvel movie that doesn’t disappoint, this film has been teased and hyped so much that it is almost guaranteed to be a total letdown. Gosh I hope it doesn’t suck.

More guns, more spaceships, more space, more fighting. Dialogue! Chris Pratt sounds very earnest. Can we revisit the shot that’s been in every other trailer but this one where his shirt is half-off? That was a nice shot.

Shot of Rocket the raccoon, who sounds like the distillation of every angry man-boy Bradley Cooper has ever played, but I like talking raccoons so I am withholding judgment.

Switch to some leading man/leading lady gender stereotyped compulsory heterosexuality. Gosh, that green lady is versatile. So far she has stood still looking sexy, she has done a sexy spin kick of some kind, she has stood looking up to Chris Pratt while gazing compassionately at his Look of Making A Difficult Decision, and she has stood behind Chris Pratt while he said Important Motivational Stuff. Also, she gets to co-pilot. Gloria Steinem must be excited!

Chris Pratt is likeable some more, Rocket mocks Starlord’s inability plan, green chick perches supportively near Chris Pratt while Rocket laughs at him. Amusing banter ensues, Groot nibbles on himself. Green chick gets dialogue! She says “eugh” and turns away in disgust.

Ok James Gunn. You did The Specials and the Dawn of the Dead remake and I love you for that. Don’t fuck this up.