Comic book fans across the land rejoice, for Guardians of the Galaxy is about to premiere. The trailer begins with a spaceship swooping dramatically towards some interstellar phenomenon. Cut to a tape deck, playing Awesome Mix Vol. 7. Sadly, the sweet melody of “Hooked on a Feeling” does not pour out of the sound system in this version of the trailer. Instead, cut to the green assassin chick played by Zoe Saldana kicking somebody while Chris Pratt, who the entire internet already knows is playing Starlord because of the millions other versions of the trailer, narrating something or other. Blah blah, anti-hero, bah blah Chris Pratt is somehow incredibly likeable, blah blah Groot, Rocket, Gamora, Drax, blah blah.
Turns out that random rock music that is not “Hooked on a Feeling” is a Joan Jett and the Blackhearts song. I declare this acceptable but not as fun as “Hooked on a Feeling “(or “Spirit in the Sky,” which also appears in a few of the million trailers circulating for this film).
Hey, how many of the executives in charge of this picture would you assume are currently doped to the gills on anti-anxiety and anti-ulcer medicine? I mean, if this movie is X-Men: Last Stand levels of bad then fanboys and fangirls across the land will burn them to the ground, not to mention the assassins that Hollywood studio’s keep on retainer for such occasions. As much as Hollywood needs a major summer blockbuster and my tribe needs a Marvel movie that doesn’t disappoint, this film has been teased and hyped so much that it is almost guaranteed to be a total letdown. Gosh I hope it doesn’t suck.
More guns, more spaceships, more space, more fighting. Dialogue! Chris Pratt sounds very earnest. Can we revisit the shot that’s been in every other trailer but this one where his shirt is half-off? That was a nice shot.
Shot of Rocket the raccoon, who sounds like the distillation of every angry man-boy Bradley Cooper has ever played, but I like talking raccoons so I am withholding judgment.
Switch to some leading man/leading lady gender stereotyped compulsory heterosexuality. Gosh, that green lady is versatile. So far she has stood still looking sexy, she has done a sexy spin kick of some kind, she has stood looking up to Chris Pratt while gazing compassionately at his Look of Making A Difficult Decision, and she has stood behind Chris Pratt while he said Important Motivational Stuff. Also, she gets to co-pilot. Gloria Steinem must be excited!
Chris Pratt is likeable some more, Rocket mocks Starlord’s inability plan, green chick perches supportively near Chris Pratt while Rocket laughs at him. Amusing banter ensues, Groot nibbles on himself. Green chick gets dialogue! She says “eugh” and turns away in disgust.
Ok James Gunn. You did The Specials and the Dawn of the Dead remake and I love you for that. Don’t fuck this up.
A Brett Ratner film. Are there any more hateful words in the English language? Can’t think of any, myself, except maybe X-Men: The Last Stand, a Brett Ratner film.
So, Brett Ratner did a Hercules movie with Dwayne Johnson. I suppose the artist formerly known as The Rock doesn’t entirely suck. He was in Southland Tales, after all. Can he play Hercules? Well, he’s no Steve Reeves but he sort of looks alright all oiled up and draped in leather, if you squint.
Apparently, in this version of the Hercules legend there are lots of dead bodies and sandals. Also, Ian McShane is talking while The Rock wanders through various topographical features, including snow, forests, swamps, caves, and mountains. Cerberus is there, then blood pours from a cup, then children cry. Maybe Hercules took their candy, because if I remember my Greek legends properly he was kind of a dick to women and children.
The narrator changes from Ian McShane to some chick while we get quick cuts to Hercules doing more stuff. In this movie, stuff is done and make no mistake. He lusts after some girly wearing too much make-up but with very pretty hair, he rides on a chariot while his adoring fans chant his name, he fights a great big lion armed only with a wooden bow and two guns (meaning his arms).
Then he proclaims that he only wants to be a husband and father while Joseph Fiennes (?) nods his head in such a way that you just know his character can’t be trusted. Semi-naked lady, same lady getting kidnapped and or eaten by Cerberus. Yes, mix up the sex and the violence. Give the people what they want Brett Ratner!
Mood change—now there are snakes and the third narrator of the trailer is blaming the Gods for the death of Hercules’ family. And that’s not all. The Gods are super pissed (again, if I remember my Greek legends that was a pretty much a constant) and decide to unleash Hell on Earth. Now John Hurt is talking about the descendants of Hades, and they look pretty cool as they emerge from the ground.
Weirdly, now a Queen of the Stone Age start playing over a battle scene. Shot stolen from Ridley Scott, Ian McShane again, Hercules punching evil in the face. Random stupid CGI creatures more or less from 47 Ronin, Hercules swings a huge penis metaphor, line more or less stolen from Braveheart. Fires! Hot chick doing battle gymnastics! Some light BDSM play with a whip, Ian McShane is pissed off and Dwayne Johnson screams I! Am! HERCULES! Any now I can’t stop picturing him screaming that at whatever person he’s managed to coax into bed after a hard night of clubbing.
I hope I don’t get stuck watching this. I really, really hope.
The Sex Tape trailer opens with the Up Tempo Music of Wacky Hijinks About To Ensue. A, ahem, “young” married couple walk through falling leaves on a beautiful autumn day in magic land. Then Cameron Diaz is dressed trampy and on roller skates as she clasps Jason Segel’s neck and suggestively murmurs that they should make a sex tape. Surprise, he’s into it. Am I alone in wishing the scene involved Jason Segel dressed in a comically small speedo while wearing roller skates and trying to seduce Cameron Diaz? No, that reversal of the sex roles doesn’t do it for anyone else? Hm. What if I suggest that Cameron Diaz is probably just as busy and exhausted as Jason Segel and it’s unfair to place the burden of keeping a marriage sexy on women?
Speaking of—scene after scene. Cameron tossing her toss-able hair around seductively. Jason holding a water pistol while fully dressed. Cameron holding a child while shooting fuck me eyes at someone off-scene. Jason fully dressed for a professional environment while holding his cell phone because women need to be sexy and men need to have fun and women need babies and men need to work.
Hey, they finally mentioned the sex tape! Somebody texted Jason that they enjoyed his video! Quick pan in while the music of I Just Screwed Up In A Big Way sends us to the next clip. Apparently, the sex tape they made has been seen by everyone. Oh well, too late to fix it without roofie-ing everyone you know and all the people who use the Internet. Except apparently the whole plot of this movie is them trying to dump the sex tape in Mount Doom or something…like once they get it sort of contained all their friends and family will politely forget it and never forward it or download it or upload it to an amateur porn site ever. Well, that’s stupid.
And now they’re talking about The Cloud and how nobody knows what it is. Well, that may be true. I’m still not laughing. Next scene, Jason Segel is looking sort of rough and watching his sex tape that he has not yet seen and becoming alarmed.
Then Rob Lowe is there and a German Shepard is chasing Jason. Insert funny joke about Siri hearing every question you ask wrong and Jason getting mauled by the dog. Remember when Cameron Diaz did physical comedy? Don’t expect to see a whole lot of that here. More sexy Cameron, some people from The Office, more sexy Cameron, fire, a scene that probably involves Jason showing his wang, falling from the roof, Cameron falling off the bed (hey! Looks like I was wrong about the lack of physical comedy for the female lead!). Jason falling again, so I guess we have collectively decided that is one of the funniest things he does in a movie. This one’s a tough call. I like Jake Kasdan and Jason Segel, but this really doesn’t seem amazing.
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